How To Be An Ally To Non-Binary People?

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Have you ever wondered if you feel aligned with your sex assigned at birth? While many of us identify with the sex we are born with, others experience gender as not strictly male nor female, but rather floating somewhere on the gender spectrum. 

In the US, over 1.2 million LGBTQIA+ people identify as non-binary. In the UK, the National LGBT survey reveals that 6.9% of the respondents identify as non-binary and 13% as transgender. 

An authentic expression of the self greatly impacts our behavior in society and the possibility of wellbeing for all. Thus it should be a priority for everyone to understand other people's journeys - especially if they are different from ours.

If you're willing to try, let's explore ways to be an ally to non-binary folks. 

Read also our article about genders and sexual orientations: we approach the difference between sex and gender, the concept of the gender spectrum, and ways to refer to a non-binary person.

Definition of non-binary gender

Gender binarism describes how our society remains stuck into a system of classification that doesn't allow any choice and fluidity when it comes to gender identity. Even before being born, we are put into boxes. Our sex assigned at birth (either male or female) rules how we are supposed to dress, behave, or look in society. 

Non-binary refers to someone whose gender is not exclusively male or female. It can mean different things depending on the person you speak to: some feel both male and female, some neither of them, while others are constantly floating between the two.

Understand non-binary gender: common mistakes to avoid

• Being non-binary is NOT a trend, a phase, or a way to look for attention. Saying that to non-binary folks is hurtful as it underestimates their experience. 

• Avoid misgendering. It means using the wrong name or pronoun, for example. In doubt of someone's gender, ask!

• Stop asking whether a person will transition or not. For many non-binary people, it's not about transitioning from one gender to the other. For example, it's not because a person assigned male at birth is wearing heels that they want to transition to being a woman. Some people like to display both male and female characteristics according to how they feel! And so, not all non-binary people go through, or even want, transitioning and/or surgery. Every experience is valid.

• Stop relying on people's appearance to determine what their gender identity is. We need to make the difference between gender identity and gender expression. Does a male assigned at birth wearing a skirt necessarily want to be a woman? Not really. In a few words? You can't tell someone's gender only by looking at them.

  • Gender identity is someone's own perception of gender, which is entirely independent of their physical appearance.

  • Gender expression is the way they express themselves in society. Sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine, some other times a combination of both.

• Stop assuming. "You look gay", "you don't look trans!", "if you want to be a woman, you should shave your legs!". Assumptions and comments about physical appearance can really hurt. Many non-binary folks undergo gender dysphoria, the experience of being uncomfortable with their own sex/body/gender. It arises commonly among those who aren't "allowed" to express their true gender identity, and can lead to profound anxiety and depression. 

• Question your "need" to know. "Why does it matter to you what gender I am?" is an important question this 12-year old child asks us all. In this TEDx talk, Audrey shares the struggle of being constantly asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?". Is it truly essential to know, or is it to satisfy our own curiosity?

How to support non-binary people?

• It's ok not to understand. 

• Take responsibility for your education.

• Ask and respect the names and pronouns that someone uses to define themselves. You can also help normalize the use of pronouns by displaying them on your social accounts.

• Detach yourself from physical appearance and sexual orientation to determine someone's gender. Step up your game: get over the *need* to categorize people.

• Avoid giving tips and asking personal questions. "How did you look before?", "What's your real name?", "What genitalia do you have?", "How do you have sex?". Four words: none of your business.

• Normalize the use of gender-neutral words and pronouns. It's an excellent way to be inclusive, even if in doubt.

  • When addressing a group, instead of saying "girls/guys", use "people/folks/everyone"

  • Instead of "boyfriend/girlfriend", use "partner"

  • "Children" instead of "son/daughter"

  • "They/them/theirs" instead of honorifics such as "Ms/Mr"

• Expose yourself to non-binary narratives: to educate yourself, what best than listening to what they have to say?

• Apologize if you make a mistake. It happens!

Last thoughts on non-binarism

Falling out of the social norms, non-binary people are often misunderstood and under-represented. Society is afraid of people that are different, shaming them for not fitting our definition of normal. And that's what needs to be fixed: our perspective.

Some Native American groups have a special name for non-binary folks "Two-Spirit". It's a beautiful image of those who can see through the eyes of both genders… Isn't it a rich and unique experience of life? ♥︎

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