Scheduling Sex: An Intimacy Building Tool For A Better Sex Life
Photo by Federica Giusti on Unsplash
Let's be honest: what is the first thought that comes to your mind when you hear about scheduling sex? Boring. Laborious. So-not-sexy.
Yet, many sexologists swear by this practice to cultivate intimacy within a relationship. Does planning a party, vacation, or date ruin the pleasure of partaking in these activities? I bet not. Then, why scheduling sex makes us cringe so much?
Shouldn't sex be wild and spontaneous?
There is the pervasive myth that sex should happen in a passionate and spontaneous way. However, for many people in long-term relationships, it simply doesn't happen like that.
We are afraid of facing low libido or falling into a daily routine in which sex isn't a priority anymore. Worst, we are conditioned to believe that good sex isn't… that. But we don't really have role models that show us what fulfilling sexuality is. How to blame ourselves after years of internalizing unrealistic expectations from romance novels, watching romantic comedies to mainstream porn?
Sex educator Emily Nagoski believes the way we speak about sex is misleading, as great sex is often reduced to having orgasms and experiencing spontaneous desire for sex on a regular basis. This narrative leads people to feel like there is something wrong in their relationship, their bodies, and doesn't validate their experience of sexuality.
As for determining what great sex is, Canadian psychologist Peggy Kleinplatz interviewed dozen of people who defined their sex life as extraordinary. And guess what? None of their criteria was associated with spontaneous desire. For the record: 70% of men experience spontaneous desire, compared to only 10 to 20% of women.
And so, myths about sex don't really align with the realities of long-term relationships. That's also what confirms a study conducted by the Sleep Judge, which found that all the respondents satisfied with their sex lives had something in common: they all allocated specific time for intimacy.
Why do people schedule sex?
Then, what about sex dates? Yes, we mean regularly scheduling sex (or any intimate activity) on your calendar.
Many couples struggle to find time for intimacy due to work, family, and even mismatched libidos or schedules. Others may experience a wide range of conditions, from low hormone levels and sexual dysfunction to vaginismus, which requires preparation to lessen the pain during intercourse.
Dedicating time for sex enables you to include intimacy in your routine, while enhancing bonds, intimacy and satisfaction.
How to schedule sex?
Reframe what's normal
Sexuality changes over time: it's inevitable. If sex doesn't happen regularly for various reasons, it doesn't mean that you're broken but rather that you have to learn what works for you. In the field of sexology, there is something called "maintenance sex" - vital to help maintain a healthy sexual relationship. It acknowledges that there's a time in every relationship when you get over the infatuation and discovery phase.
Yet, while a decrease in sex frequency is incredibly common, it doesn't mean that nothing can be done. One needs to learn to work with change rather than fight against it. Scheduling sex can be perceived as dull as exciting anticipation! In fact, planning your date can be incredibly romantic…
Find a time and date that fit you both!
Your date may occur once a week, once a month, on a fixed date or not. These details are all up to you, as long as you pick a time of the day when you feel most emotionally and mentally engaged! For example, are you more of an early bird or a late-night sex advocate?
Your date must be as important as your other appointments
When you set a time and date for your intimate date, write it down on your agenda. Give it the importance it deserves: perhaps a designated color?
Set a physical space for it
This is particularly important for those who live in a busy familial environment! While it is important to decide on a time and date, it is as crucial to set a space for it. Where will your date take place? Dim the lights, turn up some music, put your party clothes on, and close the door (literally) on your other obligations.
Be flexible with the kind of intimacy involved
This might surprise you but scheduling sex isn't (only) about sex. It is about creating space for intimacy. Agreeing on this point already takes off the pressure of a certain kind of sex that "needs" to happen while acknowledging that desire comes after some preparation! It's time to consider it normal that different bodies take different steps to warm up. In fact, some sexologists recommend taking orgasm and intercourse off the table. At least at first.
Still, what the date encompasses is something to talk about beforehand, so everyone is aware. There are many ways to connect with your partner, from kissing, conscious touch, masturbation, oral sex, talking about fantasy, to watching ethical porn!
Stick with the schedule
It takes time to get used to this unusual formula! So the earlier you start including sex dates in your weekly routine, the easiest you will find your rhythm and what works for you… ♥
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Let's be honest: what is the first thought that comes to your mind when you hear about scheduling sex? Boring. Laborious. So-not-sexy. Yet, many sexologists swear by this practice to cultivate intimacy within a relationship.