What To Do In A Dry Spell?

Photo by Brad Helmink on Unsplash

A dry spell refers to a period of time where you’re having less sex than you think you should be. Dry spells are completely normal for both singles and those in committed relationships, but they become exceptionally bothersome and anxiety-inducing for couples. There is a multitude of reasons a couple will halt having sex for a longer-than-normal period for them. Many may consider a dry spell a red flag in a relationship, assuming that there’s a lack of attraction, or worse, an affair.

In reality, common things like work stress, an overloaded schedule, illness– mental or physical, or even overtraining at the gym, can cause a loss of libido that leads to a dry spell. So it’s best not to assume why it’s happening, but to work on healthy ways to overcome it together.

While sex isn’t often the most central facet of a relationship, it is best to be on the same page as your partner about your intimacy desires, especially if they have recently changed. Like most things, once you take sex out of your routine it may be difficult to start up again, especially if any underlying issues are not addressed and taken care of. Continue reading for tips on what to do in a dry spell and how to move past it.

Talk about the issue

When in doubt, talk it out! Try having a healthy conversation with your partner about your concerns and be sure to refrain from an accusatory language like, “You don’t…”, “You never…”, or “Why aren’t you…” that could be hurtful and result in an argument. According to Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, you should talk with your partner when you are both relaxed and in a private space about why the dry spell is occurring and remain supportive if they reveal a vulnerability. 

It’s also a good idea to check in with your partner about your desires and expectations for your sex life together. It’s not common for each partner’s libido to match 100 percent, so if you discuss it together you can understand how to accommodate each other and find balance in your relationship. There are many great conversation guides for date nights that incorporate questions about sexual desire and things you’d like to work on that allow your communication to feel more like a fun game and less like a serious talk. Some things to discuss are how often and when you would like to have sex, what you love that your partner does, and things you’d like to try or work on.

Sometimes a dry spell can be a very personal issue involving loss of libido, infertility in women, or erectile dysfunction in men. These issues can also be solved by encouraging your partner to talk to a doctor for professional help. A doctor may be able to diagnose any underlying health issues, recommend supplements or ED medications, and come up with a more tailored treatment plan.

Enhance other intimate moments

Intimacy isn’t all about intercourse! It’s common to associate romance with sex, but there are many ways to enhance intimacy in everyday moments with romantic touch. For example, kissing, snuggling, or even a back massage are all wonderful ways to enhance your physical and emotional connection with each other and can even lead to or be incorporated into foreplay. Also, take into consideration how you greet or say goodbye to each other. These are daily moments where a kiss or hug can make a huge difference in how we feel valued and connected to our partners.

Boost your libido

Libido comes and goes and could change by the season, but if you feel low libido is a potential cause of your dry spell or would like to match a partner’s higher libido try prioritizing your health and wellness. Physical or mental stressors are often the culprit of low libido. Getting enough sleep, finding a work-life balance, recovering properly from workouts, healthy eating, and prioritizing time for relaxation are all great habits to form to prevent stress.

Another way to boost your libido is to invest in your sexual confidence. Try asking your partner and learning what exactly they lust for. By understanding what they like, you can increase your confidence and quell any lingering performance anxiety. You could also watch adult movies together to discover things you’d like to try with each other. By doing so you will learn more about your partner, allowing you to feel more comfortable with them.

Also, it’s a great idea to replace any old undergarments with ones that make you feel great. Undergarments often get overlooked because few people see them, but refreshing any ill-fitting, stained, or old underwear may make you feel more confident when intimate moments come. Incorporate some Marie Kondo-style tidying in your life and if you don’t love it, toss it and replace it!

Don’t take it too seriously

Letting go of any seriousness and incorporating more humor into your relationship could be a great way to reconnect with each other and remind you of the more playful, flirty days of your early relationship. Try watching funny movies together or leaving work or school talk at the door when you come home. Humor is one of the top qualities people seek in a partner so finding ways to lightly unwind could boost your desire enough to get you out of a dry spell.

During this time, also avoid comparing your relationships with others, especially any friends who may tell you they haven’t experienced a dry spell because it’s likely they haven’t experienced one yet. 

Don’t let a dry spell discourage you or invalidate your relationship. They are completely normal. They are not always a huge issue that needs to be solved, but rather an opportunity to reevaluate your desires and become closer. It’s very likely that once you work things through with your partner, your sex life will be better than before because it’s an obstacle you’ve worked on together. ♥

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