When We Get Communication Wrong

This article is focused on providing you key points in understanding how to navigate your relationship. The intention is to give you effective information to make your relationship with your partner and yourself 100 times stronger. The title of this article is focused on when we get communication wrong. What this implies is that there is an inevitability that two individuals in a relationship will get some of their communication misunderstood at various points in the relationship. This is very normal, but what is not normal is needing to endure suffering both internally and externally at the hands of miscommunication.

Throughout the years of treating couples for marital problems, I have come to conclude that one of the most important elements in a successful relationship is one’s ability to communicate through difficulties. We need to recognize that someone very different comes out from our dark side when we are hurt or misunderstood. These situations once again are perfectly normal, because none of us have ever been truly taught how to communicate effectively.

We have grown to rely on mirror neurons and socializing to better navigate relationships. The problem arises when we have been socialized in one manner contrary to our partner. When we move away from familiar styles of relating and begin to have relationships away from our social systems this is when we identify differences in relating. This is a wonderous experience in that we meet people very different and more exciting from our socialized norm, but navigating this new territory can at times be difficult.

Mirror Neurons

According to the NBCI (The National Centre for Biotechnology):

“Mirror neurons are a class of neurons that modulate their activity both when an individual executes a specific motor act and when they observe the same or similar act performed by another individual. They were first reported in the macaque monkey ventral premotor area F5 and were named mirror neurons in a subsequent publication from the same group. Ever since their discovery, there has been great interest in mirror neurons and much speculation about their possible functional role with a particular focus on their proposed role in social cognition.

As Heyes wrote “[mirror neurons] intrigue both specialists and non-specialists, celebrated as a ‘revolution’ in understanding social behavior… and ‘the driving force’ behind ‘the great leap forward’ in human evolution…”. Indeed, so much has been written in both peer-review literature and elsewhere about mirror neurons and their proposed functional role(s) that they have recently been given the moniker “The most hyped concept in neuroscience”.

The concept of mirror neurons is a perfect tool in understanding how we generate our own behaviors and how we interpret and monitor the behaviors of others. From a functional viewpoint, behavior execution and observation are closely related processes. Our ability to interpret the behaviors of others requires a deeper consciousness and understanding of our own motor system. Simply put, we have an automatic process within us all that takes note of and identifies behavioral differences in people around us. When we are open and receptive to these behaviors we identify (as in a relationship) we are more often than not inclined to mirror or mimic these behavioral patterns.

I am very sure you have had a moment when you say something and recognize that is something your partner says. This could equally be a particular behavior they show to which you recognize “hey my partner does that”.

As delightful as this discovery is, we also need to be mindful that this can work in a negative way too. What I am identifying here is that we need to be mindful of which behaviors we are mirroring because if we or our partner is presenting difficult, defensive, resistant or aggressive behavior in their communication, there is a chance that we will present the same behavior in response to theirs. Once the moment is over, there is often a reflective period where we question why we behaved in such a manner contrary to how we normally behave.

A technique I would highly suggest you work on is always sense-checking where you are emotionally and mentally. The moment you can identify how you feel and what you are thinking will allow you a greater ability to relate well with your partner. This is regardless of how they are behaving. It provides you the opportunity to think clearly and behave rationally. As the adage goes “when emotions are high intelligence is low”. This self-regulating exercise will always work in your favor and assist in managing any miscommunication.

What dialect are you speaking?

I recognized early on in my relationships and in couples’ work that regardless of the mutual language we speak, there is a dialectical difference. No matter how proficient my partner has been in that language any miscommunication has come from us both speaking a different dialect of the same language. What I do now is go into every relationship thinking that this person will understand me for at least 70% of our mutually spoken language. However, there is a 30% probability that we will misinterpret each other at some point and we will need some form of clarification to neutralize any hurt emotions. What I do that is very helpful here is begin with intentionality.

Intentionality - the key to neutralizing hurt and pain

We choose our partners because there is something we love about them. We fall in love with them and begin down this journey of depth and fulfillment. We intentionally try to create depth and connectedness when we feel love for the other. We can generally say that most of us embarking on a serious relationship want the same thing. However, when things do get tough and we begin to miscommunicate, things are taken out of context.

Always begin your opening discussion with the aim of neutralizing emotion. This can be a self-reflective exercise whereby you ask yourself “does my partner intentionally want to hurt me?”. If the answer is no, then it is up to you to try and regulate your hurt feelings for the benefit of yourself and the longevity of the relationship. The same can be said when asking your partner this question… “do you feel that my intention was to hurt you in any way shape or form?”. If they are able to answer this question with a no, this will give you both some perspective that things have been taken out of context and that there is something very important here to be salvaged.

I will always believe that a relationship is more important to be salvaged than our ego!! If you feel your ego is more important than the relationship, then I’d suggest you look internally because there might be some work needing to be done before you can really experience the depth of relationship you are after.

We all have toxic moments that we can recover from

We will all have toxic moments in our masculinity and femininity. This is inevitable, but the question is how you will navigate these moments. If we become a bit more conscious as to how we react and how we behave in our defensive and hurt moments, we will have greater insight into how deep our toxicity really is. This is not to point out how bad or good you are, but instead to highlight that we all need to work on ourselves, especially if we find ourselves in a relationship with others.

When I work with couples, it is vital to neutralize this toxicity so that any emotional sensitivity is reduced to a point where both parties can become more authentic with one another. This leads to a greater acceptance of how the individual is. It also reduces the need to change the other or use controlling and manipulative tactics. Once you have recognized these toxic moments in yourself, it is imperative to try to open this up for discussion with your partner.

The intention is to highlight that you have identified when these situations happen and how you aim to overcome them on your own and with the help of your partner. When your partner does bring up these discussions, it is important to remember that it will carry a great degree of vulnerability with it. It is their intention to have a deeper and more profound relationship with you. Be mindful not to squash the other in this state because all the opening they are trying to achieve will be shut down immediately. This will lead to resentment and we don’t want this ever in a relationship.

When we miscommunicate, love and compassion go out the window

We need to recognize that although we feel justified in our anger, hurt and pain, the more conscious we become the more we need to move towards love and compassion. What this means is that when we do feel hurt by our partner many of our default positions are to become angry and resentful. This is coupled with the intention of making our partner feel the same way we feel. But,

“holding onto anger and pain is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die” Buddha.

This is where we have to condition ourselves by recognizing the cycle. This cycle will often begin with pain which prompts us to become angry. We feel justified to hold onto this pain and expect the other person to fix the pained part of us. Yet we shut ourselves down moving away from love and compassion to resentment. There needs to be a conscious moment where we can recognise these cycles and as mentioned above begin by understanding that most of these miscommunications have not begun with an intentional need to hurt you.

From this point, it will become more manageable for you to move yourself into the love and compassion you usually display to your partner. This will allow you the opportunity to move towards maintaining the goodness rather than creating a rupture too big for you to fix. Please keep in mind that two people with the intention to fix something is a 100% guaranteed opportunity to succeed.

Resolution and time to heal

It is inevitable that some experiences in relationships are very difficult to recover from because the depth of pain felt is just too much. Even if you are the person who applies all of these principles above to the given situation but still can’t move away from the hurt and pain being felt. It is imperative that even this is communicated to your partner so that your partner doesn’t lose hope in that they have lost you.

They need to know that they should still be fighting for you and that you are still fighting for the relationship BUT you need time to heal. There is no time limit on the healing time, but we must also recognize that people all have different thresholds of patience. This is why communicating your pain is far more effective than just silencing yourself and cutting off emotionally.

Even if you cannot muster looking at your partner because of how deeply you have been pained, it is essential to inform them of your process and the manner in which you have historically dealt with these situations. This allows you the opportunity to keep your partner informed but equally allows you the opportunity to work on yourself to shorten the time needed to recover.

We all have the capacity to remain in a position of love and compassion

If we choose to, we can always keep ourselves in a working position moving towards love and compassion. This I believe to be a state of mind that we can all cultivate. The more we work on opening up to our partners and to ourselves, work on our defensiveness and resistance, the sooner we move into this place of harmony.

This is a space that allows us a sense of freedom within ourselves and equally when we find ourselves in a relationship. It is a place of consistent growth that will yield beautiful moments. When we are in a position of love and compassion, we live in the present moment and understand what being truly present means. This is what I would call a very healthy position to be in.  

It is important to remember that none of this is easy, but I assure you that all of this is worthwhile. It will be worthwhile for your development and especially worthwhile to your partner in how they will experience you.

Massimo Stocchi-Fontana

I am a Sexologist, Accredited Sex Coach, Psychological Therapist, Executive Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, Accredited CPD Speaker and a 200 RYT Yoga Instructor. Sorry for the mouthful :) apart from the professional accreditations, I have dedicated my life to the study of psychology and sexology with the fundamental aim of helping people realize their true sexual self-image. Equally understanding that the sense of mental and bodily freedom is available to everyone through doing the necessary work.

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