Why You Should Stop Saying That The Female Orgasm Is A Mystery
Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash
Women, they're so complicated. Who understands a damn thing about them?
That's what you're more likely to hear among a tribe of men. And this shared perplexity didn't change much across centuries, did it?
What do women want, and how do they work?
While male and female bodies function similarly, there is a concerning gap between them when it comes to orgasm. In fact, female-bodied people are less likely to come. Is it because they're "too complicated" or because female sexuality didn't get the attention it deserves?
Think about how convenient it is to define female orgasm as an "eternal mystery". Wouldn't it be the perfect excuse for not even trying to acknowledge it?
Well, it's about time that we demystify it. Let's dive in!
What is an orgasm?
Believe it or not, there isn't really a commonly agreed definition of orgasm. Because, of course, everyone's orgasm feels different!
The most basic definition talks about a feeling of intense pleasure - a peak - that happens during sexual activity. It's also called "coming" or "climaxing". In brief, an orgasm is a combination of emotional, psychological and physiological responses that a person has during sexual stimulation, whose intensity depends on its attraction and connection with a partner.
What happens then? Your breathing changes, your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises, as do levels of oxytocin (the love hormone), your genital muscles contract, and a bunch of hormones called endorphins are released in your bloodstream, thus provoking a sense of relaxation. Additionally, it leads to ejaculation for 10% of women.
An orgasm can feel like your entire body is liquid, or as if an electric choc is running through it, while some other people experience a deep sense of peace and release. Clearly, there is a vast spread of subjective experiences that can depend on the time of the day, your connection with a partner, but also your age and experience.
Why do we have orgasms?
A million-dollar question that doesn't come with an easy answer. For men, orgasm is relatively straightforward as it's generally associated with ejaculation. You can physically witness it, and the aim is rather obvious: the release of the spermatozoids into a woman's womb, and ultimately, the conception of a child.
For women, it's different. Mysteriously different. Women don't need an orgasm to conceive a child, because the ovaries create eggs regardless. Then, what is the point of female orgasm if it's not for reproduction? Scientists are still looking, however, there are multiple existing theories…
According to some scientists, there is no use for female orgasm. It has been "added" to boys, and girls inherited from the same "anatomical bonus". The issue with this theory is that, usually, when a trait isn't useful to us, it progressively disappears… That is not the case with female orgasm.
In contrast, the evolutionary theory states that at an earlier stage of our evolution, the female orgasm was essential for reproduction. It would exist because the male and female genitals develop almost identically at the embryo stage, before differentiating around six weeks after conception.
The last theory is the "upsuck" theory. While it hasn't been proved, it interestingly suggests that when a woman comes, the vaginal and uterine contractions create a "vacuum effect" within the vaginal canal, thus helping to pump the sperm up and improving chances to get pregnant.
Beyond all these theories, could it be that orgasm was only designed for pleasure? Evolutionists think, for example, that women have the ability to come to enhance wellbeing, their bond with their partners, and build stronger relationships.
That's already a nice add-on, isn't it?
Now & then: myths surrounding female sexuality
Two decades ago, we welcomed the 21st century into our lives. But myths, taboos and old beliefs are incredibly persistent! Here are a few examples across history.
Female sexuality is dangerous
What's better to illustrate the fear of women's sexuality than the full of imagery "vagina dentata", which means "vagina with teeth". Although our dear old Freud coined the term, this figure was already present in many countries, including India, South Africa, Russia, and several indigenous cultures.
Another self-explanatory example is the figure of the Gorgon in Greek mythology. She could turn men into stone with a mere gaze!
By reading between the lines, the message is simple: fear of castration. The idea that women hide "dangerous things in their vaginas" (well, sometimes they do). That a man is at risk to lose his virility by having sex with a woman.
Women are incomplete beings
Until very recently, the vast majority of religious leaders, intellectuals, artists, physicians, scientists, philosophers were… men. Thus the perspective on female sexuality - the "other" - has long been misunderstood, simply because it has always been compared to male standards.
Looking at anatomy, physicians could even explain female passivity and inferiority by "observing" how the vagina is the perfect receptacle to receive a penis. Could it be another way? To put it bluntly: a hole that just needs to be filled.
Women are penis-less, incomplete, and even "infertile males" according to Aristotle because they are unable to produce semen.
Masturbation is a disorder
While female sexuality out of reproduction was already perceived inappropriate, masturbation was clearly a disorder! It was believed to cause menopause, ruin the nervous system, and prevent a girl's biological development, resulting in… flat breasts. Right.
Against this evil practice, psychiatrists and gynecologists developed a "cure": the horrific clitoridectomy, the removal of the clitoris. A method that was highly supported all around Europe in the 19th century, led by Isaac Baker Brown in England, and Charles Brown-Sequart in France.
The clitoris, between reality and urban legend
The existence of the clitoris was mentioned in ancient texts, before disappearing during medieval times, and was finally "discovered" in the 16th century. Renamed "the shameful member" by a French physician, it was believed that its sole purpose was urination.
And do you know what's even crazier? That still in 2021, the clitoris is not even well represented in OB/GYN literature: the nerves and vasculature of the clitoris are simply… missing.
What do we really know about female orgasm?
In this jungle of myths and old-fashioned beliefs, what do we actually know about the female orgasm today?
Away from the vaginal orgasm: a world of possibilities
We are far from the time when the inability to experience vaginal orgasms was considered a lack of psychosexual immaturity… According to Freud.
Actually, 75% of females can't achieve orgasm with vaginal penetration only. The cause often lies in anatomy: the closest the vaginal opening is from the clitoris, the easiest it is for a woman to come.
But fear not: there are MANY different types of orgasm because our body is full of erogenous zones that have orgasmic possibilities... It's up to you to explore them.
The clitoral orgasm occurs by direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris. This one is often thought to be the main orgasm possible for women.
The cervical orgasm is reachable through the stimulation of a spot located deep in the vagina, as the cervix is the lower part of the uterus.
A combination of orgasms can happen by stimulating the vagina and the clitoris simultaneously.
The anal orgasm happens through anal stimulation with an object or a penis.
The breast/nipple orgasm: occurs when stimulating (rubbing, kissing, etc.) the nipples, which are full of nerve endings.
And probably more to be discovered...
Men and women experience pleasure very similarly
Since the 1970s, scientists have tried to understand how different the experience of ejaculation and orgasm is for men and women. The biological differences between males and females are not significant, meaning that all humans are very alike regardless of sex and gender.
The only physiological difference could be duration and recovery time. Women can have several orgasms one after the other, while men go through a refractory phase, in which orgasms are not possible.
There is nothing wrong with women that can't have an orgasm
It's not that uncommon: around 10 to 15% of women never had an orgasm in their life. It even has a name: anorgasmia.
Many reasons can explain an inability to orgasm. Some women are not in touch with their bodies due to abuse, lack of self-esteem, or even education. Who's never heard a fellow woman being judged by the number of partners she had: if it's "too many", she is a slut, if it's too little, she is a prude or sexually frustrated.
Even the frequency and intensity of orgasms depend on diverse factors, including desire, self-esteem, communication, general wellbeing.
The clitoris, on the way to recognition
After a long history of denial and rejection, our dear clitoris finally comes to light. Far from being the tiny pea (which corresponds to the outer part, the glans) represented in sex-ed books, we now know that 90% of the clitoris is actually internal. You can't see it, but it's much bigger than most of us think, and more interestingly, it has two to three times as many nerve endings as a penis.
The lack of attention and knowledge of female sex organs pushed the French sociologist Odile Fillod to create a 3D model of the clitoris, on the scale and anatomically correct, for education purposes.
She strives for the truth to finally come out: female sexuality is not an enigma!
In fact, the penis and the clitoris are very similar organs because they work in the same way. When a woman gets excited, she also gets an erection. Like a penis during excitation, blood goes to fill the erectile tissue of the clit, thus causing a clitoral erection.
It's the exact same process as with penile erections. The clitoris becomes hard and sensitive as well, except that for female-bodied persons, most of it happens inside.
Now, understand why a woman might struggle with vaginal orgasms if the clitoris isn't stimulated?
Has the female orgasm ever been a mystery?
What if the female orgasm has NEVER been a mystery, but simply denied and underestimated?
Then, we should make the difference between mystery (= complexity) and "unknowability".
We could (almost) understand why female sexuality was misunderstood in the past. But how come an essential female sexual organ such as the clitoris is still underrepresented today?
Odile Fillod suggests a simple answer: because the clitoris serves only female pleasure and has no impact on reproduction. And that, my friend, we know it since the 19th century. But was it in men's interest at the time to shed light on the matter?
Knowing this meant that women could experience sexual pleasure without men. It meant that sex could have another purpose than reproduction. Clearly, it didn't fit the idea that women shouldn't experience sexual pleasure, or that masturbation was a disorder. And it didn't fit either the model of a heteronormative society.
The truth then slowly faded away, and female orgasm remained a mystery. Not because it was the truth, simply because it was too disturbing for the conservative morality of the time. And so, inequality between sexes kept thriving.
Girls, isn't it time to dust off these nasty old beliefs and take control over our bodies?
Being aware of the role of each part of your body can empower you towards sexual freedom. And that's why we should all stop saying that female orgasm is a mystery. ♥
Resources
To listen:
The podcast "The Mystery Of Female Orgasm" with Sarah Barmak
To try:
OMGyes is a kind of "course" about women's sexual pleasure, helping you explore your own body and find your way to self-pleasuring. It resulted from interviews of more than 3,000 women and surveys of over 15,000.
To watch:
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